Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
