The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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