I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
