I faked an abortion last night.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
