I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
even my farts smell like vagina
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
