I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
