He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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