I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
