the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
