I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
