I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
