Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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