His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize