M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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