Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
