You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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