The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
