im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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