can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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