I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
