I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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