I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
