new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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