I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
