If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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