I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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