Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
