worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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