Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
