I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
