I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
