she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Boobs speak an international language.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
