I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
