Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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