Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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