why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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