The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
