Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize