I hope mine doesn't look like that
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
