Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
