I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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