Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
