Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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