If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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