speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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