no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
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