Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
