My underwear smells like fireworks.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
