Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
