Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Randomize
