i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
