last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
