I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
