It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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